I Made Super Mario Go To Hell

While reading the rest of Prince of Pain to post on later (refer to the last post), I wondered: with a SNES emulator, a Super Mario World ROM, and a multitude of cheats, what would happen if every last cheat were activated simultaneously? Perhaps wacky shenanigans, involving a multitude of colors and enemies flying everywhere? No. Instead, what I got was odd, metaphysical strangeness that seemed to break the very properties of gaming itself. I wouldn't classify it as "creepy", but bizarre. If you want creepy, here you go:

There you go. Have you gotten your fix? Anybut, I've caught a few screenshots to compile in (mostly) chronological order to show you all here. You have my word that these are in no way manipulated photos, but legitimate screenshots documenting my bizarre travels in the world of Super Mario. Let's-A Go!

Weirdness began immediately after the Nintendo screen, with a portion of the title screen cut. Mario didn't end up on screen but rather, moments after starting, I was whisked away to the screenshot you'll see next. The transition was accompanied by the "woosh" sound made when you go throthrough a secret exit.

I was pulled up to this starry screen, an auto-scroll level littered with Yoshi coins and regular coins alike. I had to restart and come back to this screen, as falling off simply crashed the game. I went back to the internet and found a cheat that allowed for infinite jumping so I could keep up with the auto-scroll. What I was greeted with next was a complete background change:

Mario, mind you, is only facing the opposite direction because I used the spin jump button to get myself over there. Yes, in case you are wondering, the arrow is there in the original game.

Next, instead of the overworld, I found myself in Yoshi's House where I was able to move farther right than normal, as seen above, with some portions like the little birds or fire misplaced. The speaker box that gives you hints didn't work and the only way I got out was to run back and forth until I glitched through the floor.

A few moments of a blank screen later and the overworld finally came up. Mario had one life (with an unexplained "E" with it), and had Luigi as his upper left hand icon. The level on the far left is somehow completed and without a doubt the most bizarre portion was Mario wearing a halo usually only seen, obviously, during game over. I feel like now is a good time to mention that no matter how many retries, the game would never let me move past the water level (the one just above Mario in the photo), so I often ended up repeating the first few as I explored.

Starting the level, the background was blank and Mario was a weird jumble of colors. I tried a few times, but Mario I guess refused to stay on Yoshi for more than a few moments. Enemies were nonexistent for the last half of the level save for the Chargin' Chuck guarding the exit.

I retried the same level, and this time little Mario stayed in a sort of "crucifix" position with his arms outstretched and moved foward with no walking or running animation. Only those bushes with apples were present save for the exit goal.

Moving to the level on the other side of Yoshi's house, I was once again Mario with Luigi's color pallette. It was pretty normal, and yes, enemies were present, just not in the shot I took. All was well until I took a wrong spin jump at Albuquerque, causing Mario/Luigi to get stuck, freezing the rom. After I restarted, things...didn't get any better.

Reached the overworld like normal, but as you can see it suffers from color differences, plus choosing the level opposite the one Mario is on (the aforementioned water level) in the pic brought this screen:

Just Mario and surrounding objects silhoutted against the lack of proper background. If I were the type to over analyze, which I am, I would bet this is symbolic. That's just me though.

I'll call the next foray into the same level "Trials of Luigi", because despite being the longest I've spent in one, I simply stayed as Luigi during most of the entire level. Starting the level caused Luigi to swim along the ground, somewhat spazzing out when I tried jumping. Again, zero enemies. Not to mention that weird "N" next to the lives count.

Then suddenly, running around some caused Luigi to turn small and don his fire flower costume, while seemingly driving a nonexistent car. Very glitchy. Despite having his fire flower suit, he didn't possess that power up.

And then, in the only very brief Mario appearance, Luigi running top speed glitched into Mario's "burned" sprite, clipping pretty violently through the floor. Slowing down turned me back into driving Luigi. Those eyes unsettle me.

Luigi then came to a dead halt, spending some time kinda....stuck there. Looks almost like he's slumping over, yeah? Either way, he snapped out of it eventually, temporarily darting foward really fast for a brief moment. Yeah, I don't get it either.

Enough running gave Luigi both his cape and fire flower suit, but it didn't amount to much considering the goal had no barrier to break, signifying the end of a level....so I just waited until I ran out of time. Thus, the Trials of Luigi Saga was over.

Back to Mario, I was only permitted to play the water level once. Immediately upon starting, discolored Mario was swallowed by the giant keyhole just like he would if he had just found the secret exit. Warping through it brings him to....

...the literal next screen of the same level, with the same Mario colors from the beginning, no background and silhouette Yoshi. It was pretty difficult but I was indeed able to beat this one fully.

Returning to the other level proved to be the worst decision of the whole experience, as I was just greeted by nothing but an entire level of what you see above. Everything was jumbled, constantly moving, and yes, with a slightly red tint. Cheesy, I know. I tried to navigate this madness to maybe reach some kind of end, and an end I got, but it was just this:

And that's it. Our adventure comes to an end with a red lined screen with a low humming noise. It has a reasonable explanation, since I'm an asshole who likes breaking games, but interesting nonetheless. Make of all this what you will, but I hope you enjoyed it regardless!

Mega Man vs. Quint: The Fight That Altered Time

Everyone knows Mega Man, Capcom's flagship character of yesteryear. For years this franchise marked it's place in history with a unique style of gameplay and a quirky cast of characters. Typically, Mega Man consists of jumping around 8 levels, fighting bosses and getting new special abilities. But do you remember Quint, (A play on Quintet), the Mega Man character that time forgot? What if I told you that he and he alone held the key to Mega Man's future and continued existence??

First introduced in the obscure gameboy game Mega Man II, he was presented as a sort of sub-boss, showing up just before fighting Dr. Wily. He wielded a goofy-looking jackhammer called the Sakugarne, and typically attacked with such, and fled before the fight could be finished. So who is this guy? What's his story? To start, here's an excerpt from the Mega Man II instructional booklet to help set the stage:

As you can tell, 37.426 years into the future is not only extremely specific but where our story starts: Dr. Wily kidnaps Mega Man from the future, repackages him as Quint, and came back to the present with him. Dr. Wily's line of thinking is that if anyone can beat Mega Man, it's Mega Man, right?? What the Doctor (and this game) failed to realize is tampering with the timeline comes with confusing and potentially catastrophic consequences.

The long and short of it is...no matter the outcome, it's 100% impossible for Quint to win this fight. Physically, yes, but even accounting for all the variables (within reason and excluding X factors like "they both die" or "someone interferes"), Quint is unable to win in the long run, technically making him the least AND most dangerous character in the whole franchise.

The biggest problem with this fight is that we find ourselves stuck in a time loop. Because Quint is Mega Man from the future, he can't kill Mega Man on account of the fact that eliminating his past self will cause Quint to inadvertently commit suicide. Killing Mega Man will kill him, and thus erase both of their existences and will further alter the time stream.

So either both die, or Mega Man gets caught in an infinite time loop where he is always destined to become Quint in almost 40 years. The reason this loop is destined to be infinite is because Quint chooses to flee. Mega Man is given no indication that Quint is his future counterpart, and therefore doesn't have any incentive to actively try to alter the future. And thus, history really is doomed to repeat itself.

To take a more philosophical approach, can we really say that Mega Man and Quint are the same person? This is a riff on a philosophy question often referred to as the "The Malfunctioning Transporter". Sure, Mega Man and Quint are the exact same molecule by molecule, but can they be considered identical? They are, after all, two beings from different times that occupy the same space, physical entities that are in theory the same but individual nonetheless.

They are, however, both capable of independent thought. One might argue that since they are robots, they are both only able to come to the most logical conclusion, and due to this they will always agree. But remember, in the Mega Man universe, they are programmed with free will. Imagine their programming like a large box, and they are able to do anything within that box, and inside that box is the closest possible approximation of free will that science can manage.

On the other hand, both have the same right to truthfully call themselves the same person: in theory, they are. But who, at that point, is the real Mega Man? Both, or neither? That's a question you'll have to decipher for yourself. Welp, I think I made a mistake. Time has been fractured to the point where the world just turned into melting Salvador Dali clocks. Whoops.

Hope you enjoy your altered reality which has very likely been transformed into an irreparable hellscape!!

DC Comics Showcase '94: "The Great Pretender" Review

So, when I was a wee lad of around 10, my family and I always went to the local Movie Gallery (when that was still a thing), and always rent one or two flicks to watch over the weekend. It was great fun on it's own, but Movie Gallery offered even more that grabbed my interest: Near the front counter, they had a small rack of comic books, mostly old ones.

Being an avid Bat-Fanatic, my little eye was drawn to this very comic, the first of 12 issues under the banner of "Showcase '94", that featured something that would leave quite the impression on my young mind that shaped my view on Batman and the Joker forevermore.

You see, issues one and two featured a story called "The Great Pretender", and showed the depths of Joker's insanity, and what sort of disturbing fantasies and dark delusions he experiences on a potentially regular basis. In this story, the Joker, now named Joe White, wakes up in an alternate reality, a normal man with a normal life, complete with a wife and a boring job.

His face is not marred by the tragedies that cause him to evolve into the Joker, and it seems as if everything he knew in life had changed. This is very curious to me, as we see that when he isn't technically "The Joker", Joker simply doesn't know or understand how to conduct himself. He's so used to being his normal self that being someone else forces him to become intrinsic, to question himself and his surroundings.

However, the Joker is only happy and content in his element, so what does he do? He does the only thing he knows how, and in this case, uses his new body to create a close approximation to what his real world counterpart looks like, complete with green hair, makeup, and red lips. I like seeing this variety of Joker, just a guy with a painted face and no resources aside from a psychotic mind. It's interesting to see how Joker would handle things just by himself.

As a sort of breaking in his new body, Joker takes to murdering his wife, who's name he fails to remember (despite just realizing she existed) in a bit of black humor. After this, he starts to explore his surroundings to see that Gotham has been transformed into a large palace, a twisted landscape that will soon become the stuff of nightmares.

Joker finds out that this reality is ruled by a large, monstrous version of himself dubbed "King Joker". However, King Joker's rule is challenged by this world's Batman, an equally massive bat human hybrid, somewhat like Man-Bat, but moreso man than bat. Since Joker refers to King Joker as "the Pretender", I will do the same for the sake of convenience. I also couldn't grab screenshots concerning how Joker came into the presence of Bat-Beast and the Pretender, but he ends up in such a predicament, and fast.

Once again, we see more of Joker's inner monologue relaying his thoughts and emotions to the audience. The best way to describe him in this story is a fish out of water, as his status in his world would never allow him to take a backseat role as he has here. The art is wild, and beautifully surreal and is just as equally creepy. I also find it interesting that Joker refers to his counterpart as "the Pretender". Even in this world, where he's far outclassed, his ego won't allow for competition, huh?

The battle of giants begins, and the Pretender shows off his impressive power by trying to bury his opponent in a literal sea of toys, and Bat-Beast responds with what appears to be flying above the avalanche. Joker becomes even more discontented with this as he comments that the Pretender has no flair to his actions, no extra finesse to how the real Joker would handle this kind of situation. Things will only get more bizarre from here.

While the Pretender watches on, Bat-Beast addresses Joker directly, taking note of his face paint and questioning whether or not he is in alliegance with the Pretender. Joker, able to recover a gun, tells Bat-Beast that he is not the Pretender's ally, but he's not on anyone's side and considers the both of them enemies. Joker starts to chide himself for not acting as he usually does, and instead of expressing doubt, wants to fire the gun without second thought. 

Nervous, the Joker actually misses by a long shot, sending the chandelier above him crashing down. Just able to dodge and ever the one to quip during even the most stressful situations, Joker finds a convenient dagger he intends to use next. He's unfortunately disarmed immediately afterward as Bat-Beast grabs him by the waist, calling Joker a "gnat". Interesting that the most dangerous and formidable villain in the entire mainstream DC Universe is considered so far beneath this monster that he refers to him simply as a "gnat".

Bat-Beast thrashes Joker around some more, and Joker's doubts on the situation only grow stronger. It's a new feeling for him, and one that unsettles him deeply. Once again, Joker tries to boost his own confidence by reminding himself that Batman in any variation is still his archenemy, and that should he be who he thought he was, he would do whatever it took to win. As he's thinking this, he grabs a fallen lance from the wall as Bat-Beast pounces him.

Lifting it just in time, the lance spears Bat-Beast clean through the chest, and Joker firmly asserts that he is the true Joker, regardless of time period or appearance. This is demonstrated with his giddily nonsensical phrases, his excitement growing as he exclaims that he has finally killed a Batman. It appears however, that Joker once again misses home. Despite technically killing Batman, he's simply disappointed by the fact that it's not his Batman, but a mythical creature far beyond his understanding.

With Bat-Beast dead, Joker takes to grabbing a torch from the wall and exploring some, likely taking a stroll to take his troubled mind off of the intense occurances. Heading down a long flight of spiral stairs, we get to see just how observant and amusing the Joker's banter with himself actually is. Despite having just killed a beast, he makes a passing remark about the dilapidated state of his surroundings as if nothing major had even happened.

In the most disturbing scene of the book, Joker discovers that the room below the stairs houses some important figures in the Bat-Universe. King Joker has seemingly taken and held captive Batman's allies, as well as a few enemies. Jim Gordon, Catwoman and Harvey Bullock look haggard, and beg for the keys. Two Face is stoic, his hair having grown long, implying they've been confined to this dwelling for a long time.

Tim Drake, who fans will recognize as Robin, stalks around his cell, emaciated and weak. Hanging on the wall of his cell is the skeleton of Jason Todd, the Robin who preceded Tim and died in the line of duty at Joker's hands. I'm assuming this was put in place as a constant reminder that Tim wasn't the first, and won't be the last.

Last, and most disturbing, is Bane, the villain famous for breaking Batman's back in the "Knightfall" storyline. Bane appears to have been hanged, and considering he doesn't appear to be in any state of decomposition, it appears to be a very recent kill. It's far from Bane's character to attempt suicide, however, which leads me to believe that he was likely executed for his insurrection.

We see more of real Joker shining through at the bleak sight of these characters, as he starts to make more and more jokes. It seems as he is quite impressed by this, and even goes so far as to say that maybe the Pretender has some finesse after all. Things start to not add up, however....if Batman were a true beast, then why are his allies and enemies still human??

Robin reaches out in a desperate plea to have the Joker free them, begging and even referring to him as "sir". Joker comes into his own and makes yet another joke, about as unfunny as you'd expect from him. Things fully take a turn for the surrel as Joker removes his own face in an attempt to smile more, and fully erase the existence of "Joe" and leave himself fully Joker. Since he removes it so easily and with no consequence or pain, this is where we realize that maybe this isn't an alternate reality, and perhaps something a little less real....

Joker ascends the stairs, reassuring himself of his identity once more. Feeling water droplets, he searches for the source before finding the Pretender, hunched over and crying. While reading this I wondered why the Pretender hadn't come after Joker, but now it made sense. He was mourning the loss of Bat-Beast, who we can only assume that Pretender considered his kill. We have here a complete role reversal: Joker is in control, the new leader of this strange world and with all of it at his helm, while Pretender is now usurped from the throne, a sad, scared animal...uncertain and doubtful, just as the Joker himself had been earlier.

When Joker realizes he's taken full control, things REALLY begin to fall apart. Reality itself crumbles around them, Joker starting to realize exactly what's taking place as the Pretender withers to a skeleton and dies. We cut to the next portion, where we get the big reveal: Joker had been dreaming, a fit of lucid sleep while he wasn't conscious. This whole venture had been little more than an exploration of the deep, twisted thoughts of Joker's mind.

While it's not immediately clear as to why this is, Joker (sporting an.......odd haircut and choice of clothing) is tied, bound to a bed while who appears to be group of thugs lament the fact that he's awake. And in typical Joker fashion, he has to quote something, this time being Wizard of Oz, to have a little chuckle to himself.

The men, revealed to be under Joker's employ, describe that their plan was to chloroform him, tie him up, and inject him with a "truth serum" for him to divulge the whereabouts of his amassed forturne, so they could take it all for themselves. What they didn't count on, however, was the fact that the Joker's sheer lunacy reacted...differently with the truth serum, giving us an explination of why Joker was having such vivid images going through his head.

Joker, without blinking, tells them the exact location of his fortune and asks if they know what else is in his pocket. He, of course, takes this opportunity to make a penis joke. He explains a small glass capsulet was broken in his pocket when he moved his hip, and he held his breath as the contents spilled out, while the others inhaled. This very cleverly explained why Joker's panel remained the exact same without him making a sound for several pages, and Joker tells them that the gas in the capsule was a paralytic that would wear off in a few hours.

Joker reflects on his dream, picking a rose and examining it while talking to no one in particular about how he found his little dream adventure to be quite interesting, and that while everything had changed, only one aspect remained the same...

Joker says that Batman, above all else, appeared the same in his dream as he does in reality, bringing our own adventure into extreme nightmare land to a close. That last line is particularly important, in that it's left so vague. Is the Joker's mind really so fractured and warped beyond belief that he quite literally sees Batman as a demon-like creature?? Or, is he referring to the fact that everyone who fears him sees him as a force of nature, a beast only in the minds of paranoid criminals??

This story is without a doubt incredibly odd, but brilliant in that it puts the Joker and Joker alone in the main role. The Joker is rarely, if ever, the expositor in any story. Typically, it's in very rare instances as most of the thoughts relating to the story being told stems from Batman or another hero, so it's refreshing to see Joker drop his "character" so to say and really get an idea of how he talks to himself when no ones looking. Plus, who's to say that he doesn't take trips like this through any number of disturbing dreams regularly?

A fantastic story, and definitely worth a read, then a reread after that. Should you be interested, a quick google search for "Showcase '94" will provide a link to Amazon where you can actually buy a copy of this comic for only a couple bucks, so give it a shot!! Oh, and remember that I was exposed to this around 10 years old ;) sweet dreams, and thanks for the read!!!