Jason vs Satan!! Well, Satan's Six. [REVIEW]

Jason Voorhees has always had a complicated relationship with comic books. From squaring off with Freddy (again) and Evil Dead's Ash, then facing off against those two again, to fighting Leatherface (I'll move onto that later), to clocking Dexter in his stupid face (serial killer, not cartoon) and even fighting his future self (ok what hell??), Jason has seen his fair share of fights on the page. But what happens when Jason decides to phone it in one day? Well, pull up a chair and allow me to tell you the tale of...

JASON VS. SATAN'S SIX!!

I know, I know. "Who the hell is Satan's Six?" Well, young one, I didn't know either before writing this. Apparently, Satan's Six is (was) a Topp's Comics 14 issue series helmed by surprisingly big names, including Brian Bolland (Batman; The Killing Joke) and Jack Kirby, who is...well, JACK KIRBY. Let me read off to you the description shamelessly pulled from ComicVine:

 "A team of agents collected by Odious Kamodius(?) created for the sole purpose of causing chaos in the mortal plane. But the continued incompetence of the members always seemed to be their downfall...and humanities benefit."

 Coolio. Now that we have shitty Satanic Avengers properly introduced, we have to wonder: where, when, and how, does Mr. Voorhees fit into this? Aside from that bitchin' cover art? Well, basically, I hate to inform you this post won't be very long because the answer to my question is that Jason basically has fuck-all to do with this. Let me show you his grand entrance:

*Voorhees. Maybe it's just because I'm a giant nerd for these films, but it really bothers me, like really bothers me, that they misspelled his name. Also reeks of laziness, to be honest. So, Jason shows up, and starts trying to do what he does best.

So Jason starts swinging his tool at this guy and makes loud disapproving grunts when all he's subjected to are shitty jokes. They talk a bit more about how Jason is cool, he likes killing, etc. AND DON'T FORGET TO CATCH 'JASON GOES TO HELL' IN THEATERS THIS SUMMER!!! Then shitty Satanic Avengers decide they want to jump Jason. Because by the time Jason Goes to Hell came around, it's not like eight other people had already attempted just that.

After a scuffle, they basically decide that Jason is Jason and fuck that. Then, well...then, it happens. After a culmination of five whole pages worth of rock 'em sock 'em disappointment, they pull the rug out from under us and tell us this whooole shindig was a sleazy, dishonest marketing ploy to get you to pick up the comic. No, they literally tell you that this was a marketing strategy to get you to pick up the goddamned comic. 

So, I think I'll put this one to rest on that little factoid. Topp's stuck it's middle finger right in your dumb face because you, as a fan of Friday the 13th, thought it would be soooo cool to pick up a comic with Jason (a rarity, unless you wanted Topp's own comic of JGTH) but no. You got bamboozled because they couldn't sell their shitty satanic avengers comic for one red cent otherwise.

Fuck you, Topps.