Tales From the Darkside Finale: The 1990 Movie

Tales From the Darkside: The Movie (1990)

When the scene opens we're shown a girl as she prepares to cook...but its soon revealed that she, in true horror style, has a little boy trapped in a cell, planning to fatten him with cookies and cook him. He mentions a book she gave him, and while she preps she allows the boy to read three stories to her (allowing him to find a way the hell out of there). They are, as follows:

Lot 429- A strange college student orders a priceless mummy artifact, much to the dismay of his dorm mates. There is a side plot of him being cheated out of a committee, but it goes nowhere when he recites an incantation that makes the mummy come to life. Much, much different than the show, this movie is very heavy on gore. We see this when the mummy takes a coathanger and bends it out, pins his dorm mate to the wall, and pulls the mans fucking brains out through his nose. Yyyyyeah. The sister of the remaining male dormmate also get whacked in a gruesome fashion, and the remaining mate takes things a step too far by tying up the original guy (who ordered the mummy) and threatening to kill him because he killed his best friend and sister. Once he discovers it's the mummy, it looks like it's curtains, but he kills the beast. He decides to let his mate go, on one condition: he bring his sister and friend back to life. And so he does! But he makes them kill the guy who tied him up.

Thiiiis portion was not too shabby, there are definitely a few startling scares here and there. Some acting may be a tad left field, but ultimately a nice tale.

(We cut back to the boy, desperate, as he convinces the woman to let him read her another story.)

The Cat From Hell- An old rich man hires a hitman...to kill his cat. That sounds senile, but as you'd expect, this cat is capable of far more than meets the eye. The old man leaves, and the hitman tauntingly mocks the cat. The tide changes, (and the start of this episodes reliance on gore) when the cat begins to win. Furious, bleeding and with the crotch of his pants bitten out, the hitman begins to flail violently to hit the cat. The cat THEN does something quite....horrifying. It literally crawls down the man's throat. We see this painful scene in gruesome detail. The old man comes back, finds the hitman dead, and the cat kills him. The end.

I'd say this was the weakest of the three, not in believability but with it's over reliance on gore. There are plenty of bloody moments that merely show off what the cat is capable of, playing absolutely nothing of the potential psychological horror. Entertaining, but not the best.

(The woman, impatient, makes the remark that she always enjoyed love stories the most. The boy takes this opportunity to read her one.)

The Wraparound Story- A struggling artist is dropped by his agent, and spends his night drinking at a local bar. He and the bartender walk out back, when a large demon swoops down, and kills the bartender in gruesome fashion (half of the guy's face and his hand were missing). The demon then tells the artist he must speak of this to nobody, and in exchange, he keeps his life. Terrified, the man runs into a woman on the way back. Afraid the demon will get her, he urges her to come with him, which she does. The two find they take a liking to each other, and they fall in love. They get married, have two kids, and 10 years later everything seems like it's smooth sailing. One night, the man feels enough time has passed and decides to tell his wife about the night he saw the demon. Taken aback, she walks over to the window and cries out, "You PROMISED not to tell!!!!!" That's right, SHE'S really the demon, and with a gruesome transformation, she kills him after all these years.

THIS story hit me with a twist like a bat out of hell. We all knew he'd slip up at some point, but we didn't expect that. We're even lead to believe she's going to find out when she finds an old drawing of his that was the demon. This episode had some awkward portions, like when the first met, but the story itself, not to mention the simply AWESOME creature puppet they had were what made this the best by far.

(The little boy, about to be cooked, tells one last story, his own story. As he's telling it, he throws marbles to the floor. This trips the woman, and he manages to escape. Oh....and he's a major asshole, because he pushes HER in the oven. On top of that, while shes literally fucking BURNING ALIVE, he takes another cookie and says, "Gotta Love a happy ending!". You little smarmy asshole.)

And there it was, the darker, more violent and over the top movie presentation of Tales From the Darkside. Now, if you've never seen the show but only the movie, they should almost be in two seperate categories because they are in TOTALLY different realms. Theyre both good, and succeed, but you couldve titled this movie ANYTHING and it would've worked. Not bad, overall.

Grade: 6.5/10

Tales From the Darkside Reviews XVI

IF YOU HAVENT READ THE OTHER REVIEWS FOR TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE, PLEASE. THIS MASTERPIECE (PILE OF SHIT) EPISODE NEEDS TO BE TALKED ABOUT

Tales From the Darkside

Season 4, Episode 19

"Barter"

O-okay. You're going to have to grit your teeth with me through this one. We finally hit up another Season 4 episode, and it has to, I mean HAS to be the worst I've witnessed yet, by far. It plays out like a terrible Goosebumps reject, with everything about it oozing terribleness. It starts with a bad stereotype of a 1950's family (complete with the style of refrigerator and pastel walls) and the mother complaining about their little boy playing the drums upstairs. They literally act like some kind of satire, it's so over the top. The husband, after letting off a few sexist remarks (in true '50s style) and the little boy leave to go do whatever the plot wants them to. While the woman wallows in how terrible the episode she's in is, an older guy in a hat screaming about ammonia shows up. She, like an overly trusting child, invites this stranger in where he blabbers more. He offers, in a fucking rhyming scheme no less, to make a barter. He gives her whatever he has stored in his briefcase in exchange for ammonia to drink. She agrees, and wants something to get her son to stop going apeshit on the drums. He gives her a little device that freezes the boy in place like the red light green light game, but of course, it breaks. The father shows up, and together they buy all the ammonia they can find to get the man to come back. He does, and decides another barter for the most unsettling, pedophelic thing he could possibly want. Their. Fucking. Son. They dont want to give him up, so while the guy sleeps they switch his ammonia with bleach.

He drinks it, goes banana sandwich, and disappears. They get their new remote the plot conveniently left behind, and make their kid move again...but he shifts into maximum overdrive, unable to stop drumming his goddamn heart out like some little Lars Ulrich. The old man returns, ready to take their son. So, y'know, they agree. The old man leaves with both the ammonia and their son, and ladies and gentlemen, THATS the worst thing I've seen by far.

Good- Ummm....it's entertaining?

Bad-Do I really need to go into more detail?


Grade: Imagine a world in which everything you know is wrong, where hope doesn't exist, and The Room is the Number 1 movie of all time. That universe is where this episode came from.


Tales From the Darkside Reviews XV

Tales From the Darkside

Season 2, Episode 24

"The Casavan Curse"

This episode is pretty good, but the plot is quite...complicated. A young woman wakes up with her boyfriend dead, and the police come in to question her about his death. She keeps blaming it on a curse, but the psychiatrist is convinced its untrue. Her older cousin is very highly protective of her, and the psychiatrist believes it's because he is very, very jealous. The cousin reveals to the psychiatrist that many years ago their ancestor fell in love with a woman in the neighboring kingdom, but when he asked his wife for a divorce, she refused, so he killed her. With her dying breath she cursed his family. Now every member of the family is doomed to kill those they love, and that he and his cousin are the only surviving members. Incestuous implications aside, the psychiatrist is told by the girl's caretaker that they have reason to believe that the cousin wanted her all to himself, and so HE was responsible for the murders. After this, the psychiatrist and the girl get it on, because hell why not, and then it's revealed...there really is a curse. She turns monstrous and her nails grow like Freddy Krueger claws. The cousin runs in to stop her, but that poor bastard only has his neck broken. The psychiatrist manages to kill her, and so the Casavans are no more. The final twist? The caretaker is the descendant of the woman murdered for not wanting a divorce.

Good: The plot is pretty solid, and the "monstrous" moments toward the end are definitely creepy. If you follow along pretty well, it's a neat little story of revenge.

Bad: This kind of plot shouldn't really be told through a single episode. This is the kinda thing that needs to be a two or three parter. So much is thrown at you all at once, and it takes a while to sink in. Not to mention, there's basically a full on sex scene (or, as much as they could get away with.) The only other major problem I had with it is the girl's acting is INCREDIBLY wooden. Something about the coupling of her face and acting skills annoys me.

Good episode, not too shabby, but not one I'd rewatch.

Grade: 6.5/10

Tales From the Darkside Reviews XIV

Tales From the Darkside

Season 1, Episode 15

"Answer Me"

At first, this episode was really, really promising. It features an actress renting an apartment in New York City, and she keeps hearing a telephone ring in another room. It starts to make her very angry, and she's informed that no one lives there, and the former occupent strangled herself to death with the telephone cord (okay?). No matter what she does, even checking the empty room itself, the phone simply keeps ringing, and ringing, and ringing. Okay. Stop. Before I continue, I will say the best twist to have in this situation would be if the actress herself committed suicide, and much like in Devil's Advocate, she be forced to relive her death over and over. THAT twist would be pretty damn frightening. Instead, what do we get??.....a possessed telephone. You read that correctly. She herself falls victim to the telephone.

Good: I hate the twist ending so much because it had SO much potential. The set, the woman's performance, and the mystery it COULDVE been would be the perfect episode. Everything else was just so on point.

Bad: That twist really brings everything down a notch. I know I said the end of "Snip, snip" was anticlimactic, but tolerable. This episode, however is completely ruined by it's twist.

Great, right up until the end.

Grade: 6/10

Note: I also found that a character in a previous review, "Fear of Floating", is actually portrayed by the same woman who voices Lisa Simpson. She also starred in the wonderfully terrible Stephen King film, "Maximum Overdrive"

Tales From the Darkside Reviews XIII

Tales From the Darkside

Season 1, Episode 21

"Bigelow's Last Smoke"

This episode is one from the tail end of Season 1 that finishes it strong. In it, a man named Frank Bigelow with a very serious smoking problem wakes up to find he's imprisoned within his own apartment. A man appears on his television screen and informs him the only way to leave is to give up smoking. Now yes, this sounds like a PSA for smoking, but it gets better. Bigelow breaks the smoking rule many times, and each and every time an alarm buzzes with a painful screech, and another peice of his furniture is taken as a punishment. After the third infraction, he screams and seemingly wakes up. He is disgusted with cigarettes and chooses not to smoke, which he believes frees him. When he gets a cup of coffee, the man on the tv returns, and claims that now he will focus on helping Bigelow with his caffiene addiction.

Good: This episode seems like a PSA, up until the bit at the end. What's wonderful is we see Bigelow fall further into paranoia and hysteria as his apartment slowly loses all its furnishings. He begins to sweat profusely, desperate to escape. When we finally think it's over, he wakes up to find his next addiction is up to play. This ending is brilliant because it has a point to it. It's not horrible or gory like other episodes with a moral backing, but we are left to assume Bigelow will either go insane running the gauntlet of his addictions, or die of thirst or starvation. It's the implications that count.

Bad: Not too much, were I in charge I'd maybe play up Bigelow going crazy a bit more

Grade: 7/10

Tales Form the Darkside Reviews XII

Tales From the Darkside

Season 1, Episode 5

"Pookie and Mookie"

This episode felt like it was written by a member of the writing staff who was just about to take his vacation time next week, as in, rushed and unpolished. This episode, centered around a computer (produced and aired in 1983) is horribly outdated by today's standards. A boy (Mookie) loves his compter (having one at home was a rarity in the 80s), and his sister (Pookie) dislikes them. He asks her to finish up a computer program and leaves her a set of instructions. Before she can ask why, Mookie dies of a nonspecific disease. Pookie takes to doing what he asks, which....is never specified. She spends all summer on it, and her usage of the device upsets her family. She has confrontations with her hardass dad and overly apologetic mother, until eventually it's revealed Mookie lives inside the machine. Pookie proves this to her father, aaand....that's where it ends.

Good: Okay, the "Spirit in the machine" thing could've worked, provided something worse happened that would cause Mookie to be malevolent. For the most part the acting is good, but its all...bland.

Bad: The worst part about this episode is it really shoots itself in the foot by using computers as a plot device so early in the home computer's development. Keep in mind this episode was made well before the internet, so there isn't much room to work with aside from goofy green and black text on the screen like "Help Me". But once its proved Mookie is actually in there...it ends. The family goes back to normal, its just that their only son is now an outdated machine. (I kinda want to write a sequel that jumps ahead 30 or so years when he inhabits an IPhone.)

Not spooky in the slightest. 

Grade: 3/10

Tales From the Darkside Reviews XI

Tales From the Darkside

Season 2, Episode 23

"Fear of Floating"

This episode was like a bad sitcom. A bad failure floating in a pool of sadness. That has to be the most banana sandwich thing Ive witnessed now mind you that was no good banana sandwich. A random greasy guy burst into the office of two Army recruiters and claims he has a problem. The circus wanted his talent and to use him as slave labor and he needed them to hide. He shows them his talent, which is to float. After his knuckles graze the ceiling fan, he's pulled back down where they discuss his protection in exchange for him using his ability for the United States Army. Soon, the people after him show up, amd they get ready to have a gun fight. When the old man and pregnant woman step inside, Mr. Floaters story begins to fall apart. Turns out, the pregnant woman was who he left at the altar three days prior, and now her father was out for his head. In a big conflict with guns pointed every which way and the guy floating, he promises the pregnant woman his heart, and he gains his weight back. He's overjoyed at having his freedom from lead shoes, knowing that being honest will keep him grounded, when suddenly he gets super horny and tries to feel up the female recruiter. Being untrue, he starts to float, and float, and float.....right into the ceiling fan.

Good: Idk...somebody in there could act. The guessing game is, who exactly is it.

Bad: The premise is pretty damn silly on it's front, and while the episode is good at foreshadowing...a shootout with army recruiters?? Watching a man casually float?? Really!?! Plus, the older male recruiter is portrayed as a large, oafish buffoon, who over exaggerated each and every movement and line, which I'm sure sends a lovely message of the military. The female's personality is literally just "girl". The father and pregnant girl look like a bunch of backwoods hillbillies, and let's not forget my favorite part: when floater hits the ceiling fan, the male recruiter just...stands there and watches him get torn to shreds. He's literally got his hands on his hips and blood just spatters all over his uniform. Its like he's thinking "Well, shit. A man is being horribly mutilated in my ceiling fan but I hope my partner remembers where we left off while playing Risk."

This episode is gonna be brought up in therapy.

Grade: Irredeemable.

Tales From the Darkside Reviews X

Tales From the Darkside

Season 2, Episode 4

"Parlor Floor Front"

Jesus. This episode just got darker and darker. A young upstart couple rents out the parlor floor front to an elderly janitor and his sister. While remodeling they complain about him getting away with extremely low rent. They negotiate a deal for him to help the refurnish to take some of the cost off. While helping, he knocks a vase over, which breaks. The girl wants him to pay in full, but the husband says he'll pay in half. In retaliation for being wronged, the old man uses his voodoo to put a curse on them. Yeah. A string of unfortunate incidents occur, and the woman loses her child. She begs for the husband to refund the old man in full to call off the curse, but he refuses. She herself tells the old man all the horrible things that happened because of his curse and gives him her wedding ring to pay him. Horrified by his actions, the old man freaking kills himself. This causes the couple to doubt themselves, when the woman comes out with a startling revelation....there was no curse. She caused the unfortunate events, and lied about the child, all to spite the old man. The man is disgusted, and leaves her, and that night she steals her ring back. Theeennnnn comes the truly frightening part. While sleeping, the corpse of the old man rises and comes back for the ring she gave him.

Good: This episode is good because it very quickly lets you know things are unraveling FAST. As always, the acting is good, and the plot interesting. And the old mans corpse is extremely creepy. You don't actually SEE him, but seeing his tall, lumbering silhouette in the door as his deep, low voice hisses, "Give me back my ring." is creepy as all hell. Follow that with a still shot of the woman, dead and sprawled out across the bed, and it makes for one creepy-ass episode.

Bad: I honestly feel like maybe they couldve used slightly lighter misfortunes, because things like losing a child is really dark, and a tad inappropriate for this episode.

Pretty good episode, first one I think I've seen that really gave me the chills

Grade: 8/10

Tales From the Darkside Reviews IX

Tales From the Darkside

Season 2, Episode 1

"The Impressionist"

This episode....man, just...okay. This episode is about a man, capable of imitating anyone's mannerisms, who gets called in by a secret organization. They do so becauseeeeee they kinda found an alien who wouldn't communucate with anyone who didn't imitate his body language. Oookay.....a little bit on the banana sandwich side. He communicates, and the alien trusts him and he gets the info the scientists want. Skip foward, he finishes his act. Walking in he parking lot, the alien ship comes down. Now the perfect way this episode could've ended was if the alien found him useful for some kind of research, and his entire fleet came to kidnap him. That's a good twist, that would turn this otherwise boring episode on its head. Buuut....no. The ship lands, he greets the alien happily, and...that's it?

Good: The alien was pretty creepy. I will admit that. Its unnatural body movements and grotesque sounds were unsettling, and I like the idea of bringing in a non-expert to try and talk to it. It raises the stakes.

Bad: Everything else. If you can get past the silly premise, there's no real substance. Nobody recieves any kind of "scary" punishment. Aside from the somewhat creepy alien this episode is really  really boring.

Meh. A poor way to start off Season 2.

Grade: 4.5/10

Tales From the Darkside Reviews VIII

Tales From the Darkside

Season 1, Episode 14

"Snip Snip"

This episode from early season 1 contained something I can't believe I've lived my life up to this point without. But more on that later. This episode features a bonkers individual who practices the dark arts, who plans on rigging the lottery so he can quit his lousy teaching job. Reciting incantations, his special numbers were "666 666". He watches, and the winning number is.....666 667. Furious, he tracks down the hairdresser who had the winning number. Sneaking into her shop, he attempts to steal it, but she catches him. He attempts to threaten her by showing her his dark powers, but she reveals she too is powerful in the dark arts. THATS what I love about this episode. Satanic. Beautician. That's such an amazingly outlandish twist. Good? Debatable. Entertaining? Most certainly. She reveals that she had used HER powers to win, and specifically snubbed this asshole so he wouldn't win. He tries to fight, but its clear her powers are far stronger than his. He dies.

Good: The acting, set design and music are all wonderful. The male lead maaaaybe pushes the "desperate looney" gag a tad far, but its tolerable. Once again, it's the subtle things that make it worth it. How she uses the phrase "snip, snip" to use her magic, or referring to her bird as "Lu", which we find is short for "Lucifer".

Bad: The end was a major let down. The whole final part, that takes place in her shop, was building up to her using some dark magic to seriously mess this guy up. She shows him she's gonna rip up HIS ticket, and he lunges....and she stabs him in the neck with scissors. Scissors.

Despite the bummer let down, this a fairly good episode with an interesting premise. I recommend this one.

Grade: 8.5/10

Tales From the Darkside Reviews VII

Tales From the Darkside

Season 2, Episode 5:

"Halloween Candy"

This episode is widely regarded as one of the best of the whole series, and I can easily see why. A bitter old man refuses to hand out candy on Halloween, and the kids who insist he uses an opportunity to be a huge dick (like filling their bag with syrup.). Soon, a demon of sorts shows up, also asking for candy. He refuses, so the creature begins to wreck havoc. Soon, the old man is found dead in his home, having starved to death, his last foods being small peices of Halloween candy.

Good: This episode, much like the pilot, revolves around an old man who is a dick on Halloween getting his comeuppance. Moral of the story: Dont be an asshole on Halloween. The cinematography is superb, as is the acting. They do just the right amount of showing the creature off without completely revealing it, but the big reveal if its ugly mug is enough to make you pause for a moment.

Bad: Not a ton, aside from maybe the generic "demonic voice" the creature uses.

Overall this episode took the concept from the pilot, but did it so much better.

Grade: 9/10

Tales From the Darkside Reviews VI

Tales From the Darkside

Season 2, Episode 10: "Ursa Minor"

This episode is an updated retelling of the Twilight Zone episode "Talky Tina", sooo....if you've seen that, review spoiled. Regardless, the gist is a little girl gets a teddy bear which she keeps blaming for things going wrong. Her father tries to calm her by showing her his bear rug, and saying he's a nice bear. The little girl keeps blaming everything on "Teddy", while a mysterious growling can be hear throughout. At the end, the little girl screams, claiming Teddy is alive. So far, regular "toy is alive cliché" twist. But the mother yanks Teddy away, only to find...it hadn't moved at all. The sentient "teddy" was the father's bear rug.

Good: This episode plays PERFECTLY into lulling you into a false sense of security. You think you know exactly what's coming, and they do everything to make sure you definitely think it's going in that direction. Then, in the final shot, bam. The large, clawed bear paw comes crashing in through the door as the girl and the mother scream for their lives. It throws off what you thought you knew, and the sense of dread comes immediately flooding in when you realize you were wrong.

Bad: Not a ton, aside from some stale dialog here and there. The father in particular  (who is an alcoholic) tends to moan and groan too much when writhing hung over in bed. 

Grade: 8.5/10

Tales From the Darkside Reviews V

Tales From the Darkside,

Season 1, Episode 1: "Trick or Treat"

This episode is a tad rocky. A greedy rich old man holds a game every Halloween in which local children have to venture into his home and locate their parent's IOU's in order for the debt to be cleared. Somehow....a witch shows up? And all she ever does is cackle. Aaannnnd....she throws the IOU's everywhere like she's making it rain. Then the old man goes to hell....yeah.

Good: It wasnt great but it set a solid foundation for the series,  and definitely starts the tone that would be carried through the other episodes. The acting is pretty well done, and the imagery is creepy.

Bad: Despite the setup, it's got virtually no means to segue into the next bit of story. The cackling witch has no rhyme or reason to be there. A kid we're barely introduced to in the beginning ends up winning the IOUs that set his family free of debt. And the old man stumbles into a room in his house that conveniently houses hell itself. Shit got weird, man.

Overall, not a terrible episode, but a far cry from the lineup later in the series.

Grade: 5/10

Tales From the Darkside Review IV

Tales From the Darkside,
(I couldn't tell you which season, I only know from 1984.)

"Inside the Closet"

THIS episode was damn near perfect. A young girl rents a room from a wealthy older man, but soon she realizes that something is living in their with her. She continues to find traces of it's existence until eventually she comes face to face with the creature which then drags her away, never to be seen again.

Good: Almost everything. The tension building was on point, as you could never quite know what exactly it was that she was looking for. The homowner plays it off  but its pretty clear he knows what's going on. You're just waiting for something to spring out, but instead you get all the right amount of moments to throw you off course (such as when she screams when her finger is caught in the mousetrap she herself set out before), or when a box of her belongings is left partially out from under the bed, only to be yanked back in when she leaves the room. Then....the creature. My lord, that is EXTREMELY creepy. Designed by Tom Savini, this little monstrosity really made the episode. Its small, gaut, pale and with sharp teeth and big red eyes. The episode ends on quite the twist, as we see the creature sneak up behind the homeowner...but just as we expect him to get cheesed, he turns...and greets the thing as a pet.

Bad: Honestly, nothing i could really notice. It was just a nice, straightforward horror.

Grade: 10/10

Tales From the Darkside Reviews III

Tales of the Darkside, Season 4- Episode ???

"The Cutty Black Sow"

Sigh...despite its foreboding name, this episode didn't meet my expectations. Not all the way, at least. There's barely anything plot-wise to discuss. A little boy's great grandma warns him of a beast called the Cutty Black Sow, and passes away. The little boy, apparently way into ritual shit, does the protection ritual to make sure the Cutty Black Sow doesnt come for him but ding dong guess what it does. Bleugh.

Good- The only redeemable part of this episode: the Cutty Black Sow itself is terrifying. Large, intimidating, with bright yellow eyes and piglike features, it's a pretty unsettling sight.

Bad-Everything else. The paper thin plot, bad acting, horrible pacing....it's all bubcus, and certainly the weakest of the three I watched tonight. I was bored until the Cutty Black Sow actually showed up, and that's literally in the last 20 seconds of the entire episode.

Rubbish episode.

Grade: 2.5/10

Tales From the Darkside Reviews II

Tales of the Darkside, Season 2-Episode 19

"The Last Car"

WOAH

Okay so that episode. A young woman boards a late night train home, but it soon becomes clear this is...not a normal ride. In the train is just an old man and woman, and a little boy. Literally five minutes in things start to go bananas, as odd things happen. Any time the young girl asks about the time, the old woman simply acts confused or deflects the question. The little boy, despite his annoying tendencies, constantly changes costumes (despite there being nowhere to change), and it always seems to remain nighttime. The girl questions her sanity, with things getting weirder and weirder until BOOM. As you've come to expect, its revealed she CANT leave the train. She's dead.
Good: This episode is also heavy on the hints that this train ride is forever, such as when the old woman both starts AND finishes knitting a whole blanket. Plus, the idea of a never-ending train ride with the same three people is maddening to say the least.

Bad: Alot isn't explained. How and why did this girl board this hell train?? Did she die somehow?? Was it by happenstance that she just so happened to board a supernatural train that will never let her go? Who knows. Also, got some wonderfully cheesy "zombie" puppets. I love em, though.

Grade: 7/10

Tales From the Darkside Reviews

Tales From the Darkside, Season 2-Episode 7, "The Devil's Advocate"

This episode was quite good. In it, dickish radio personality "Mandrake" constantly talks down on his listeners. At the beginning of the episode, he mentions a dead man was discovered in his car before coming to work. This tidbit is one of many little clues that lead up to the big reveal, which is done pretty well. For the first part, he just shits on people for having opinions etc., but as time goes on he begins to recieve calls from people in different time periods. THIS is where alarms start to go off. In the end, we find Mandrake was the one who died in the car (surprise, surprise) and that whole night was a ruse by the Devil himself to get Mandrake adjusted to his new job: to constantly take new calls...in hell.

Good: This episode does absolutely brilliantly in leading up to the twist, and some subtle clues are dropped along the way. The big one was Mandrake's appearance slowly turns more demonic looking as the episode progresses, given he does end up as a demon. Its small stuff like that, or the room getting smaller later on, that provide great unease.

Bad: Mandrake has a conversation with the Devil. In a brilliant episode it's a painfully cheesy moment, as it goes on for a while. I get that it had to be revealed that Mandrake was dead, but maybe using the Devil's voice more subtly would've been suitable. After we discover this, we see Mandrake actually working and recieving calls in hell. This isn't as bad, but I just wish it would've ended a tad more ambiguously.

Grade: 8/10

WWF "Attitude Era" Stars....Before They Had Attitude

Ah, the Attitude Era. Remembered as probably the most successful boom period in Professional Wrestling history, the product was white hot, with even mainstream audiences and media captivated by the antics of the men and women who carried it to stardom. But wait: these guys didn't just apparate out of nowhere, right? Austin wasn't born from a beer keg and The Rock didn't just step out of a charisma portal. So who were these guys before??

1. "Stone Cold" Steve Austin

How You Remember Him: The Texas Rattlesnake, a beer swilling, middle finger waving anti-hero who kicked everyone's ass and didn't give a damn what you thought. Perhaps the biggest part of the Attitude Era, Austin was a phenomenal worker and perhaps even more popular than Hulk Hogan. Austin was so popular, a very famous segment has him squaring off with Iron Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson!!!

Austin became famous the world over for sticking it to the man, not afraid to go to extreme lengths to let everyone know how little of a damn he cared about their thoughts on him. Some famous segments of his include filling the bosses car with wet cement, forklifting the car of another man on this list (that's for you to guess!!), driving numerous vehicles to the ring, and beating the hell out of fellow wrestler Booker T inside a freaking grocery store. The ultimate badass.

Who He Was Before: The damn Ring Master. Austin had a somewhat successful career in the now-defunct World Championship Wrestling, his run having lasted from 1991-1995. After suffering a tricep injury, he was fired over the phone, and by late 1995 he debuted in the WWF as a character known as the "Ring Master".

 Ted DiBiase promoted him as a man "who no one had ever seen wrestle"...which was the most unbelievably stupid gimmick ever, because if you were a fan who even remotely paid attention, you JUST saw the guy wrestle in WCW earlier that same year. Thankfully, by 1996, he adopted his "Stone Cold" Persona, and in the following years he would be the driving force behind the companies biggest boom.


2. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

How You Remember Him: The Great One, a man who set the world on fire with his electrifying personality and memorable catchphrases, Rock is undoubtedly a legend, delivering amazing one liners and very entertaining segments, followed up by a successful career in acting.

His ring work was just as entertaining as his promos, with a good ability to adapt to his opponents style. For those into acting, the Rock was able to come up with hilarious segments on the fly, spouting legitimately hilarious jokes seemingly from nowhere. He was also a man who has shared many a fantastic match with the likes of Austin and Hulk Hogan. Do you smell what the Rock is cooking?

Who He Was Before: Rocky Maivia. Taking the ring names of both his father and grandfather, Dwayne entered the WWF in 1996 at the behest of veteran wrestler Pat Patterson. He was heavily pushed by WWF to become a big star, getting his first big win at Survivor Series. However, fans were very adamantly opposed to Johnson's character due to his cheesiness, leading him to adopt the Rock persona starting in 1997.

Things were very bad for Maivia early on, as his character was so disliked by fans that often times you could see signs in the crowd harboring extremely hateful and cruel messages such as "Die, Rocky, Die". Thankfully, Mr. Johnson was not one to take criticism while lying down, and pushed himself further to mold a character that took the business by storm.

Hints of his "Rock" character started to seep through during his late run as Rocky Maivia, where he would start to come into his own and use snippets of his phrases, such as saying "If you know what I'm cooking.". One outfit change and a boost in confidence later, and suddenly the most electrifying wrestler in the world is born.


3. Paul "Triple H" Levesque

How You Remember Him: The King of Kings, Triple H was a dominating force of the WWF during the Attitude Era as a leading member of the stable "DX", wreaking havoc alongside his partner and real life friend, Shawn Michaels. With the likes of other DX members X-Pac and Chyna, Triple H would play a magnificent heel, posing a major problem for other major players like Rock and Austin by imposing domination with his posse and an even bigger threat in his solo career.

Who He Was Before: Hunter Hearst Helmsley. Upon entering the WWF in the mid-90's, it was clear that Hunter would rise to prominence. He carried a "Regal" gimmick, portraying an arrogant, snobby wrestler....a gimmick that's dull and been 1,000,000 times over. This didn't matter however, as Hunter immediately got in into the "know" backstage when he got into the boss' ear.

Alongside wrestlers Shawn Michaels, Kevin Nash, Scott Hall and numerous others, Hunter was a big part of the infamous backstage group known as "The Kliq". With complete creative control, the Kliq would promote friends of theirs, and completely crush the careers of anyone who dared oppose them.

They remained unparalleled until an infamous event in 1996 called "The Curtain Call", in which the Kliq members broke character after an event, hugging one another in the middle of the ring. This supremely pissed off Vince McMahon, the man in charge, and the punishment was severe.

Two of the guilty members of Curtain Call, Kevin Nash and Scott Hall, were already out the door in favor of World Championship Wrestling, and Shawn Michaels was champion, preventing serious repercussion, so the blame fell solely on Hunter's shoulders, turning him from a star into a mid card guy for a long time before he finally came back on top with his Triple H character.


4. Mark "The Undertaker" Callaway

How You Remember Him: The Phenom....the mystical dead man of the wrestling world, all who know the Undertaker fear and respect him. He's such a powerful presence in the ring, you tend to feel sorry for whoever is fighting him, because it's likely they'll end up in a body bag (not really dead) or a casket. Or, if you're Mick Foley, he'll drop you from the top of a steel cage from 40 feet above and send you crashing through an announce table. Absolutely. Terrifying.

Who He Was Before: Well....he was still technically the Undertaker. The only wrestler on this list to have been established in the WWF years before the others, he first made his official debut at a 1990 taping of the television show "WWF Super Stars" as "Kane the Undertaker", billed as a literal dead man completely impervious to pain.

As you can see above, he sported that greyish white mask for a very short time before dropping it and simply going by Undertaker, managed by Paul Bearer (Eh? Eeeh? Get it?). Undertaker would go through several transitional phases during his career before settling on "The Lord of Darkness", where he dropped a fair bit of the "literally dead" thing. This new Undertaker was mostly used to introduce the last man on our list....


5. Glenn "Kane" Jacobs

How You Remember Him: A legitimate monster. A wrestler forever tied to the Undertaker, Kane was hinted at when Undertaker turned into his "Lord of Darkness" persona, with Paul Bearer threatening that he knew his darkest secret. This secret ended up being that he allowed his family to burn in a house fire...including his little brother, Kane. RIDICULOUSLY silly, but upon his introduction, Kane was no joke.

Billed as the Big Red Machine, Kane never spoke (at first), and began to tear his way through other wrestlers with his sights set on Undertaker. His size, outfit and demeanor were truly very intimidating, and he didn't have a problem with picking anyone and everyone up by the neck and slamming them into any object nearby, and the only man who's really meant to stand toe to toe with his "brother", Undertaker.

Who He Was Before: Glenn Jacobs carried many gimmicks before he settled on the one he's famous for...the most infamous of which is when he became "The Christmas Creature". Let me repeat that just in case your ears refused to hear it: He was the goddamned Christmas Creature. Very early in Jacobs career, he wrestled under several normal names, until he wrestled for the Southern promotion Smoky Mountain Wrestling as the Christmas Creature....who is...well...that. A creature that is somehow born from the mass marketing of the holiday season. Eventually, he would drop terrible gimmicks when he came into the WWF in 1995, where he would slowly evolve into the Kane character.

So there you have it! Those are some of the gimmicks taken by famous wrestlers when they were just younglings and trying to find their footing in the cut throat world of fake punching and kicking. Grab a bottle of Vodka, forget any of these ever happened, and rewatch old Attitude Era tapes and hope these gimmicks NEVER stick in your memory.

"Aloysius, the writer of this article has left his plodding foot in the internet world by writing stuff no one reads, but it doesn't matter to him because he's also known for a degree in Underwater Basket Weaving and one half of the legendary tag team, The Herk n' Jerk Connection."

Why "Doink the Clown" Was One of THE Most Underrated Wrestlers In WWF/E

Allow me to take your mind back to the year 1993. The World Wrestling Federation was on unstable ground, going through a transitional period of sorts as Hulkamania was dying, and Macho Madness had begun to wane as well. The world of professional wrestling was losing its luster to the mainstream, and fast. Now that you know the state of the business, let me introduce you to Matt Osborne:

Or, as he is better known by his ring name, Doink the Clown. Matt didn't originally appear in WWF as Doink, however. He wrestled at the very FIRST Wrestlemania way back in 1985, simply under the name Matt Borne. He lost to Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat in the second preliminary match of the evening, and didn't appear again until 1993, where he took the Doink identity.

"But wait!!!", I hear you say. "A clown??? That's so gimmicky! He's doomed to a mid card spot." Maybe, dear reader, maybe. But you have to understand something. Just because he wasn't exactly someone Vince McMahon would pick to be World Champion, there was a LOT of patience and effort put into Doink's character that goes severely unappreciated.

So what makes Mr. Osborne's character so special? First and foremost, he was a phenomenal worker. He really gave it his all during his short tenure in the WWF, and it shows in his matches. Now, onto Doink himself. Consider Doink like the Joker of the wrestling world. Since as we know, wrestling is a stage show, let's look at Doink as if he were an entirely fictional character, like in a comic.

Matt Osborne, in character, couldn't handle his loss to Steamboat at the introductory Wrestlemania. His big moment to shine on the grandest stage of them all was snatched from beneath him, and this drove him into cuckoo land. Then, in perhaps the best build this character could've gotten, there was a very long waiting period. 1985 to 93, Osborne was never heard from. Eventually, in 1993, we started to see this clown figure amongst others in the crowd. 

What the hell?? Here is a sea of wrestling fans, and amongst them, sits a clown who sticks out like a sore thumb. Why is he here, and who was he?? And that's what was great. No one knew he was Matt Osborne, and no one knew why he was sifting through crowds of fans, playing little jokes on them and watching intently as other wrestlers performed. Even the announcers like Bobby "The Brain" Heenan and Randy Savage played up the eerieness of the characters sporadic appearances. 

Then, Doink made his official debut as a "heel" character. (In wrestling, the heel is the one who plays the bad guy in the stories.) Just by the promos he gave, you could tell this man was severely deranged. Much like The Joker, Matt Osborne adopted the Doink persona because his shattered mindset couldn't accept reality. He couldn't take that his shining moment was taken, or that Ricky Steamboat beat him clean. So he dressed up as this unhinged clown, laughing and playing simple, childish pranks, refusing to accept his status in the pantheon of professional wrestlers.

During his promos, he would typically have this mirror gimmick, doing the whole "Mirror, Mirror, on the wall" thing before delivering a small statement about whoever his opponent would be. He would often switch on a dime the emotion and intensity of his voice, becoming loud and bubbly, then immediately fixing his gaze on the camera, and in a low tone, threaten his opponent with something far darker and more ominous than you would expect a gimmick clown character to do. 

His demeanor and attitude changed so often you didn't know how he was going to react next. It was like he was battling with some split personality. The best example of this is when his facepaint started to rub off while in the ring. He would occasionally get serious, peices of his real face expose from beneath the makeup. He would do all sorts of wild and silly gimmicks, like introducing a secret "Second Doink" who would slip up from underneath the ring and distract a wrestler. That kind of stuff only added to the mystery.

Alas, the very same year he debuted, the Matt Osborne version of Doink was gone, having disappeared from WWF. The company would subsequently replace Osborne with other Doink characters, but it just felt....hokey at that point. Doink was never meant to be a major player, or long time wrestler, so if they had let the gimmick die when Osborne left, that would be perfect. Imagine: A broken, deranged clown staggers in from who the hell knows where, does all sorts of odd, crazy things, and then bam. Gone.

This character was so well thought out, so meticulous, and well done, that it's a massive, massive shame that it had to go so unappreciated. He really was a fantastic character and a really hard worker to boot. Unfortunately, Matt Osborne passed away in 2013, but it can be said without question that his character left a huge impact on the WWF, and was sure to grab the attention of fans the world over.

Rest in peace, Mr. Osborne. You will always be a massive and well remembered part of WWF history.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?list=FLp2ZisyRmLk8qeQLvH43Uqw&v=PvyD2iOJOuk

For point of reference, here is an amazing promo he did on fellow wrestler Tatanka. Doink!

Why Living With Bipolar Disorder Is Very, Very Dangerous.

Last June, I was diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder. In case you aren't familiar, bipolar disorder is a chemical imbalance in the brain that causes several problems in a person's day to day life. Swift and unpredictable mood swings, extreme drowsiness or exhaustion, lack of sleep, impulsive and irrational behavior.

Why am I talking about this? Because I don't feel like Bipolar, or any mental affliction really, has enough of a voice. It's something most people don't worry about, or sweep under the rug, because it's not something they have to deal with. They meet someone struggling with it, and tell them to "Get over it." Or "Cheer up." Those two phrases in particular have sent me into so many dark pits in my head. Why? Because they're only fueling a belief that people like me struggle with:

That no one cares.

Do people care? Yes. Most definitely, and people always will, wether it be family, friends or professionals. But when you get into that low, when you sink into a pit of depression, you want to know what it feels like? It feels like whatever you do is worthless. It makes you feel like no one is there, like you're left stranded with the very same thoughts that are slowly killing you.

Whether it's Bipolar, regular depression, anxiety or panic attacks, we know that feeling. You can't escape it, or ignore it, or get over it. You look at the things around you, and you feel like it's all worth nothing. Consider that for a moment. Can you, assuming you don't have this to worry about, imagine what it would it would be like if it felt everything you did was a joke?

Could you imagine what it would be like everyone on Earth cared nothing about you? And go out of their way to avoid you? I've spent many a night swiftly changing between joy, to an intense, inconquerable rage to crying like I never had before. Nothing makes sense, nothing has a point, and life has no meaning.

I've broken objects, hit holes in walls, and gotten in fistfights with my own father because what was in me was eating me from the inside. There were things I couldn't understand, or comprehend. I nearly failed math year after year, and was fired from Subway after only a week because I couldn't keep up.

I snuck out of the house night after night on impulse. I've nearly quit jobs because of it. And I told no one. The breaking point was when I wrecked my car in April of last year. I was experiencing a high, as bipolar people do, and in my wrecklessness didn't hardly look right as I pulled out.

A larger truck hit me at 90mph and flipped my car through a man's fence. The inside of my small Chevy Cavalier exploded on impact, destroying everything inside, including the window, console and seats. I luckily lived, but when I crawled out, I tried to catch my breath, laying on my back and looking up at the sky.

I looked down to see a peice of the dashboard lodged in my left knee, and I still have the scars. I simply layed back and cried, seeing the other car roll lazily along the highway in the opposite direction, smashed to bits. The man in the other vehicle very thankfully lived, but he cut his forehead deeply, allowing large amounts of blood to pour out. His brother was there, and in my haze I was screamed at by him while lying on my back.

After going to the emergency room, I was forced to sit in the waiting room, even though I was losing blood from where I had pulled the lodged peice out of my knee. I cried and cried, but no one cared. The doctor saw me, bandaged my knee, and gave me an X Ray. I had a nasty wound on my knees and dislodged my hip. The Doctor then berated me for even coming. What did it matter to him? Nothing. I was a dumb kid who caused a wreck.

Then, on my way out, I was screamed at by the wife of the man that had hit me. I felt so bad for the other man. He didn't say a word to me, and that killed me. We had to pay all the fines, everything from the man's property I destroyed to the other vehicle and traffic fine. It didn't matter that he was going 90mph, because I was the dumb kid who caused a wreck.

My one, tiny, careless mistake brought on by mental illness nearly ended my life, and when I came home, I felt like I wanted to die. Every last bit of that was my fault, and the guilt gutted me. That day, I was less than the dirt on their shoes because I made a mistake I had no control over.

After that, I requested that I be seen by professionals.

I don't care who you are, or how you view it, mental illness is a literal prison.

Imagine day after day, your mind whispers terrible things to you, things about yourself that you hate, and absolutely no one else sees that. The ugly reality is that it takes lives, people who found no other way out, and no one around them suspected anything. It could be for any number of reasons, but if you want an example, take beloved actor Robin Williams.

God only knows what he was struggling with, and no one knew a thing. But the point of this post ISN'T to scare you or make you feel bad. It's to let you know what really happens, what it's like, and what it can do. I don't want you to say nothing about how you feel, and reach out to anyone and everyone who may need it. We, being people who struggle with mental illness, need to stick together.

Please, don't let your voices not be heard. I want any and everyone who reads this to just understand we all have the potential to pull out of our problems okay, and become better people as we conquer this. It's our fight, but it's one we'll win together.


I will never not recommend this, but here is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:

1 (800)-273-8255

As a team, we can do this.